BLOOD GLACIER - Review By Greg Klymkiw - Oh, those wacky Germans!!! Sinister Cinema Does Deutschland!!! See it on the BIG SCREEN and then OWN it from Anchor Bay Entertainment Canada on August 19, 2014

BLOOD GLACIER has it all. Check this out. It's got: Germans, mutants, Alps, a cute dog, a blood glacier, a balding unkempt alcoholic hero, snow, ice, weasel-like scientists, weird-ass shit under microscopes, thickly proportioned mean-ass German hausfraus, people who say "Ja" and "Nein!" a lot and who do things they shouldn't be doing because we know they're going to die but for some reason they can't figure that out, beefy hunks (for the ladies and light-in-the-loafers gents), babe-o-licious babes for the fellas and bull-dykes ('natch), mutants, guns, drills, claws, sharp teeth, open sores, English subtitles for those who do not sprechen ze deutsche and much, much more. Have I mentioned the mutants yet? Oh. Sorry. I have. BUT, have I mentioned the mutant Ibex? I thought not. Where else will you see a mutant Ibex? Only in Germany. (And of course, in the visionary Raven Banner's latest Sinister Cinema presentation and to be released later this summer to home entertainment via Anchor Bay Entertainment Canada.)

The majestic Ibex has a noble tradition in German Cinema.
To the left you will see the lovely Leni Riefenstahl,
former interpretive dancer and eventual
director of Triumph of the Will,
clowning about with an Ibex on the
set of a Bergfilme
by the legendary Dr. Arnold Fanck.
To the right you will spy a hungry Mutant Ibex
in the bloody German shock-fest
BLOOD GLACIER.

Blood Glacier (2013) ***
Dir. Marvin Kren
Starring: Madita (AKA Edita Malovčić), Hille Beseler, Gerhard Liebmann, Wolfgang Pampel, Brigitte Kren, Peter Knaack, Michael Fuith, Murathan Muslu, Adina Vetter, Coco Huemer, Felix Römer, Santos as Tinnie the dog

Review By Greg Klymkiw

Ladies and gentleman, in honour of Marvin Kren's utterly insane alpine thriller Blood Glacier, please join me now in raising - not our right hands, but, our heads, hearts and voices to the heavens to sing the following ditty to the tune of the stirring German National Anthem:

Deutschland, Deutschland über alles,
thank you for this very fine film,
we will worship all you have to offer,
even when it inspires incontinence,
we will spew forth,
from our sphincters,
whilst you do scare the living shit from us…"

Good creature features need BABES!
Luckily, as this is German,
it has a fair share.

I believe, quite strenuously, that Raven Banner, the visionary international sales agent of genre films needs to score a promotional tie-in with the Kimberly-Clark Company to provide free Depend® products at the Sinister Cinema screenings so that audience members will not soil themselves, nor the fine comfy chairs in the Cineplex Entertainment complexes that show such bowel-and-urinary-movement-inspiring scary movies not unlike the new mutants-in-the-Alps horror shocker Blood Glacier, courtesy of some (no doubt) crazed, yodelling, lederhosen-adorned German filmmakers. This is one fun ride and it's infused with more than enough elements to inspire unfortunate accidents of the expulsive kind.

Poor Tinnie, So Cute,
So utterly DOOMED!

A group of persnickety scientists studying the effects of climate change upon the glaciers of the Alps and Janek (Gerhard Liebmann), their slovenly, drunken jack-of-all-trades-technical-dude encounter difficulties with their communications satellite dish. Upon investigating the mystery they discover a huge glacier that looks like it's covered in frozen blood. Samples are taken, the satellite is repaired and - uh, oh - Janek's sweet, loyal and super-cute dog Tinnie is bitten by something in a cave. Getting back to the base station, Janek puts Tinnie under some covers, assuming his canine pal might have been bitten by a rabid fox. We in the audience know differently though, since we've seen many movies like this before. Even Janek suspects otherwise when the ice sample is discovered to be a mysterious entity that creates mutations.

The scientists express grave concern, not over a rabid fox or even other animals outside that have more than likely been infected by this mysterious entity. Rather, they're worried that a visiting delegation might decide not to come the next day if there's any hint at all of danger. More scientists, guides and an influential German Minister (a porcine battle-axe hausfrau type) are headed up to inspect the team's progress in order to assess the extension of funding for the environmental research activities at the alpine base station. Janek is appalled these supposedly good men and women of science would dare risk the safety of everyone for funding.

LOVE
means never having to say:
"Bitte erlauben Sie mir,
Ihnen meine Wurst geben."

Well, things go deliciously awry from this point on. Needless to say, the conflict twixt Janek and the others mounts. Best of all, when one does the quick math on the delegation making its way up the mountain and the members of the research station, the movie yields more than enough characters to ensure an excellent body count. Both the monsters and situations are delightfully derivative of both Alien and John Carpenter's The Thing with just enough originality and environmental thematics to keep things fresh. The group dynamics are especially well evoked and as we meet more and more monsters, we're deep into this affair with more than a few dirty shirts.

We even get some perfunctory romance since the chief scientist coming for a visit is Janek's former lover - a babe, naturally.

Director Kren (Berlin Undead) more-than-ably handles the suspense, elicits strong performances from his cast and makes excellent use of the real alpine locations. He also juggles the character dynamics of Benjamin Hessler's decent screenplay (one which offers just the right balance of smarts and entertaining stupidity). The special effects are also a big treat - a total blast of the ingenious low budget variety mixed with a few dabs of cheesiness (nothing too egregious, though). All the picture's technical credits including cinematography, cutting and a cool score all rank above and beyond the call of duty for a semi-by-the-numbers creature feature.

There's nothing more DEADLY
than a hausfrau with a DRILL!

For me, as a fan of both horror movies AND the insane Bergfilme genre, best rendered by Dr. Arnold Fanck and starring Hitler's and Goebbels' favourite Aryan minx Leni Riefenstahl, Blood Glacier rendered me happily apoplectic. Kren's picture has more than its fair share of psycho touches to please any devoted, kitsch-seeking Teutophile. One of the film's most pleasurable moments involves the aforementioned porky hausfrau and her stunningly deft ability to wield a deadly and humungous drill. Most of all, the movie features what I believe to be a cinematic first - a vicious mutant Ibex. An IBEX, people! What in the bloody hell are you doing at home? Get out and see Blood Glacier. How often in your life will you experience an out-of-control Ibex in the German Alps? Yeah, I thought so.

Blood Glacier plays at Raven Banner's Sinister Cinema series for One night Across Canada, Thursday, June 19, 2014 @ 7:30pm.

Additional screenings have been added at Cineplex Cinemas Yonge Dundas & VIP starting June 20 in Toronto. Check Toronto local listings for confirmed dates and times.

Here's a complete list of participating cinemas for the showing on June 19:

Complete list of participating Cineplex theatres:
Scotiabank Theatre Chinook - Calgary, AB
Scotiabank Theatre Edmonton - Edmonton, AB
Cineplex Cinemas Saint John - Saint John, NB
Cineplex Cinemas Avalon Mall - St. John's, NL
Cineplex Odeon Victoria Cinemas - Victoria, BC
SilverCity Riverport Cinemas - Richmond, BC
Galaxy Cinemas Nanaimo - Nanaimo, BC
Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas - Vancouver, BC
Colossus Langley Cinemas - Langley, BC
SilverCity Polo Park Cinemas- Winnipeg, MB
SilverCity Sudbury Cinemas- Sudbury, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Regina - Regina, SK
Galaxy Cinemas Saskatoon - Saskatoon, SK
SilverCity Fairview Mall Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Winston Churchill Cinemas - Oakville, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Yonge Dundas & VIP - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Eglinton Town Centre Cinemas - Scarborough, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Queensway and VIP - Etobicoke, ON
Colossus Vaughan Cinemas - Woodbridge, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Mississauga - Mississauga, ON
Coliseum Ottawa Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Gloucester Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Bayers Lake - Halifax, NS
Cineplex Odeon Forum Cinemas - Montreal, QC
Cineplex Odeon Devonshire Mall Cinemas - Windsor, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Waterloo - Waterloo, ON
SilverCity Hamilton Cinemas - Hamilton, ON
SilverCity London Cinemas - London, ON

The film had its Canadian launch via Mr. Colin Geddes and his delicious TIFF Midnight Madness series.

BLOOD GLACIER WILL BE AVAILABLE FOR HOME CONSUMPTION ON AUGUST 19, 2014 FROM ANCHOR BAY ENTERTAINMENT CANADA. AMAZON PRE-ORDER INFORMATION COMING SOON FOR THIS AND……….

ANCHOR BAY ENTERTAINMENT
AND SCREAM FACTORY™,
IN AN UNPRECEDENTED PARTNERSHIP,
PROUDLY UNVEIL
HALLOWEEN THE COMPLETE COLLECTION
BLU-RAY™ BOX SETS

Limited Edition 15-Disc Deluxe and 10-Disc Edition Brings Together ALL The Halloween Feature Films In One Massive Set For the First Time EVER; All-New Bonus Features, Collectible Packaging, and 40-PageBook Make This
THE Blu-ray™ Box Set Event of 2014!

Michael is Coming Home September 23

CABIN FEVER: PATIENT ZERO - Review By Greg Klymkiw - Jaw-Dropping Splatter4U from Canuck Kaare Andrews

Once again, Raven Banner's Sinister Cinema with Anchor Bay Canada present another delectable splatter-fest for the whole family - well, mostly Ed Gein's family, but family is family, mais non? CABIN FEVER: PATIENT ZERO, directed by Canada's ace-comic-book-wunderkind/filmmaker Kaare Andrews.

I daresay this comely young lassie has acquired a slight infection.

I daresay this nice
doggie's bark is not
worse than his BITE.

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero (2014) ***1/2
Dir. Kaare Andrews, Scr. Jake Wade Wall, Cin. Norm Li, Ed. Michael P. Mason
Starring: Sean Astin, Currie Graham, Ryan Donowho, Brando Eaton, Jillian Murray, Solly Duran, Lydia Hearst, Claudette Lali, Mitch Ryan

Review By Greg Klymkiw

Years ago I discovered a lump on my chest. The Doc says, "It's just a cyst. Come back if it gets bigger or hurts. I'll lance it." A few days later I felt a tightness in my chest. The cyst was the size of a fucking golfball. I ignored it because I had a movie to go to. On the way, I stopped at the bank. The teller took one look at me and her pretty face scrunched up into the horrific visage of a gorgon sucking a lemon. I followed her gaze. My white shirt had become a huge Technicolor Rorschach Blot of gag-inducing crimson dappled with sickening streaks of yellow, accompanied by the putrescence of a cheesy aroma. Infections, you see, are like that. One second you think everything is fine, the next you've got viscous raspberry custard pudding with melted Limburger geysering out of you.

Thankfully the cyst was the result of a bacterial infection. Viral infections are a different beast altogether. Some of them can kill. And God help you if it causes flesh to rot and infests the brain, turning you into a psycho pus-bag on two legs.

These were the delectable sugar-plum-fairy thoughts that came to me whilst indulging in one of the most insanely audacious low budget indie horror films I've seen in awhile. Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is a gloriously whacked and mega-fun prequel to Eli Roth's 2002 directorial star-making feature debut called - you guessed it - Cabin Fever. If you haven't seen Roth's picture, wait and watch this first. If you have seen it, Kaare Andrews's sophomore outing after his impressive feature debut, the claustrophobic thriller Altitude, should not disappoint. This movie is a blast.

Jake Wade Wall's screenplay is a perfectly serviceable vehicle to take us back to who, what, when, where, why and how the virus in Roth's film began. What's nice about the script is that it has all the delightful tropes of the horror genre that, quite frankly, go a long way in terms of added value for our plaisirs d'exploitation. It's got a decent handful of locations that are perfectly picturesque so that in spite of the low budget, it's not one of those typical single set movies that can betray the budgetary restrictions. The locales as imagined on the page add variety and colour to the backdrop.

Most importantly, the screenplay makes sure (unlike too many recent genre items, especially those of the Canadian persuasion) that there are just as many babe roles as there are hunk roles. A horror movie without babes can be utterly unwatchable. So hats off to Mr. Wall for delivering the potential of babe-o-licious babe-ery on the page for the our edification (as well as the director and cinematographer's keen-o-niftus kino-eyes).

Wall's plot is perfunctory, but in a terrific way. It's a simple coat hanger for some lovely set pieces - and not just gore, we get some boink-o-rama action too.

In a nutshell, we've got a bachelor party full of nice young fellas boozing it up in the Dominican Republic. This allows for plenty of babes in the background, too. The gentlemen, of course, have a wild time planned. They charter a boat, head out to an extremely remote island - with a babe, no less - camp out on the beach and crack open more booze. Yee-haa!

And, we get some boink-action going too. Yee-Haa Bonii points!

Unbeknownst to our party-hearty crew there's a strange, hidden complex on the other side of the island which is essentially a mysterious centre for disease control. Here, some shady official scientist types are performing experiments on Sean Astin. Yes, THE Sean Astin! Mikey from The Goonies, 1993's beloved Rudy and Sam from Peter Jackson's The Lord of the Rings trilogy appears here and has suffered whilst watching those he once loved melt into heaps of viscera from a flesh-eating virus he's host to. Because he's the host, he's been nabbed by the official types, shoved into quarantine and poked and prodded by the Docs. Sean is mighty upset. In fact, he's goldurn angry and suspects he's being exploited as a guinea pig.

Now, you might notice I've mentioned scientists and doctors. This is a good thing. Where there are scientists and doctors, there are nurses.

NURSES = BABES!!!!!!

Well, it doesn't take too long for our two clutches of characters to meet up and you can bet your sweet petunia that some bad shit's going to happen to release the virus, thus allowing hell to break loose.

Look, this movie's no masterpiece, but I loved it. It's got a delightfully morbid sense of humour, its last half hour actually had me on the edge of my seat wishing I had, as per usual, been wearing Depends and a lot of the stuff that works in the movie is extremely well wrought. Kaare Andrews directs with force and aplomb and keeps things chugging forward so we don't notice occasional holes and inanities in the plot, at least not while we're watching or at least not enough to bug us if we do notice. Most of all, he attacks the material with a really great eye and feel for the genre.

Working with the brilliant Canadian cinematographer Norm Li (the man who blew our minds with his eye-popping work in the stunning Panos Cosmatos retro-sci-fi head film Beyond the Black Rainbow), Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is shot mostly handheld, but it's not that horrible whiplash nonsense, nor is it shaky-cam unless it needs to be in moderation. It is, for the most part, really effective floaty-cam with smooth moves, solid compositions and terrific lighting in the night time exteriors and shadowy interiors. Michael P. Mason's cutting always moves things with skill and vigour in a delicious death-by-a-thousand cuts way and in the hairy roller coaster ride of the last third, his cutting delivers multi Les petit morts.

And indeed Andrews, Li and Mason dazzle our pants off during the last half hour. Even if you're a bit unsure of the movie for the first chunk, hang in there, because these guys deliver the climactic gold. The movie practically splooges terror and viscera all over our receptive faces AND if you think any of the aforementioned is hyperbolic, you ain't read nothing yet.

I declare, here and now - and we must doff our hats to screenwriter Wall for coming up with this - Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is blessed with the contextual Holy Water of one of the absolute best cat fights ever committed to the silver screen.

Seriously, who amongst you has a problem with cat fights? Who? I ask you, WHO in their right mind doesn't get hard or wet watching two babes slugging it out? Nobody. That's who! And if they say they don't, they're not only lying to me, to us, to the world, but themselves.

Cat fights are hot. Here, the cat fight is not only orgasm-and-vomit-inducing, it's thoroughly original. Everything comes into play here - direction, cinematography, cutting, stunt choreography, makeup effects and the jaw-dropping (in, uh, more ways than one) context for the cat fight. I guarantee you will have NEVER seen a cat fight like this in your life.

On the grave of my Granny.

Is it THE best cat fight? Well, no, because for the absolute best, nobody will ever top the estimable Russ Meyer in this department, BUT, it is way up there. So much so that I can imagine Mr. Faster Pussycat Kill Kill looking down upon this film from his lofty perch in big-boob-heaven turning broccoli-green with envy that he never thought of doing a cat fight like this one.

And you know, any movie that might instil envy in Russ Meyer, is one for the ages.

Raven Banner Entertainment's Sinister Cinema and Anchor Bay Canada present the **CANADIAN PREMIERE** of CABIN FEVER: PATIENT ZERO, One Night Across Canada on Thurs May 29 at 7:30pm. The complete list of venues across the country are:

Scotiabank Theatre Chinook - Calgary, AB
Scotiabank Theatre Edmonton - Edmonton, AB
Cineplex Cinemas Saint John - Saint John, NB
Cineplex Cinemas Avalon Mall - St. John's, NL
Cineplex Odeon Victoria Cinemas - Victoria, BC
SilverCity Riverport Cinemas - Richmond, BC
Galaxy Cinemas Nanaimo - Nanaimo, BC
Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas - Vancouver, BC
Colossus Langley Cinemas - Langley, BC
SilverCity Polo Park Cinemas- Winnipeg, MB
SilverCity Sudbury Cinemas- Sudbury, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Regina - Regina, SK
Galaxy Cinemas Saskatoon - Saskatoon, SK
SilverCity Fairview Mall Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Winston Churchill Cinemas - Oakville, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Yonge -Dundas Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Eglinton Town Centre Cinemas - Scarborough, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Queensway and VIP - Etobicoke, ON
Colossus Vaughan Cinemas - Woodbridge, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Mississauga - Mississauga, ON
Coliseum Ottawa Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Gloucester Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Bayers Lake - Halifax, NS
Cineplex Odeon Forum Cinemas - Montreal, QC
Cineplex Odeon Devonshire Mall Cinemas - Windsor, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Waterloo - Waterloo, ON
SilverCity Hamilton Cinemas - Hamilton, ON
SilverCity London Cinemas - London, ON

Additional screenings have been added to Cineplex Cinemas Yonge-Dundas:
May 30 through June 5. Check Toronto local listing for confirmed dates and times.

Director Kaare Andrews will be present at the Cineplex Cinemas Yonge-Dundas on May 29 to introduce the film and do a Q and A after it's over.

THE BATTERY - Review By Greg Klymkiw - Clearly talented director offers somewhat constipated zombie movie. Flawed, but worth seeing on a big screen at Raven Banner's Sinister Cinema series on April 17, 2014.

The Battery (2013) **1/2
Dir. Jeremy Gardner
Starring: Jeremy Gardner, Adam Cronheim, Niels Bolle, Alana O'Brien

Review By Greg Klymkiw

Before the New England zombie apocalypse, Ben (Jeremy Gardner) and Mickey (Adam Cronheim) were pro baseball players, but these days they're moving surreptitiously through the woods and backroads, their only contact with anything resembling a human being is the occasional zombie which, of course, will need to be dispatched. Predictably, the guys are polar opposites. Ben's no-nonsense "gotta-keep-moving-like-a-shark" attitude is what keeps them alive and his insistence that they always make time for games of pitch-and-catch is what keeps them human. For Ben, baseball, or at least the vestiges of the once great unifying force of America is the only thing as important as staying alive. The sheer relaxing physicality of it offers a kind of Zen to their seemingly pointless lives.

Ben is also a killer - of zombies, that is. This contrasts wildly with Mickey. He can't bring himself to kill and constantly dons headphones to pipe dreadful angst-ridden contemporary indie rock into his oh-so sensitive consciousness. If Ben's goal is to keep moving to stay alive, Mickey's involves searching for all the things that once made life worth living - home, family, a woman - or, quite simply, stability. The two men are at odds (surprise, surprise), yet they develop a special bond (surprise, surprise) as they move ever-closer to each other (surprise, surprise) and, as they are slackers in a post apocalyptic world, they head ever-closer to nowhere.

Upon hearing a woman's voice over a walkie talkie, Mickey is determined to find her. Ben insists they heed the woman's dire warning about staying away - no use going where they're not wanted. Besides, Ben is concerned that if they were ever separated or if he needed Mickey's help, that his tender-footed companion will be too inexperienced and/or weak-willed to do what needs to be done. Like baseball, practise makes perfect, especially when one must kill or be killed.

There's much to admire in the picture - in theory, anyway. To my mind, artistic ambition is always to be welcomed and certainly The Battery has ambition to burn. Alas, it's just not always an engaging movie. For one, we know it's yet another no-budget horror movie - a zombie movie to boot - and that for damn sure we're going to spend plenty of time in the middle of nowhere having to listen to these guys arguing until they inevitably find their common ground (if, in fact they ever do find it). The movie veers far too dangerously into the dreaded mumblecore territory that far too many untalented indie directors use as an excuse (consciously or unconsciously) to mask their inherent ineptitude as filmmakers. Gardner is not in this category. Though the jury is still out, one feels he's going to eventually emerge supreme with his next picture or two.

However, he needs to do more than tried and true variations of genre. For example, we are well aware that the woman's voice over the two-way signal is coming from a survivalist compound, but because the picture is so obviously made on the cheap, we know we're never going to get there because that's going to cost money that this movie simply doesn't have. I hate to say it, but when I think about the myriad of truly great no-to-low-budget cult films over the decades, the recent preponderance of shooting in one room or the middle of nowhere with story choices that are obviously rooted to budget issues is becoming increasingly and frustratingly boring and/or annoying.

The only thing that can battle this are elements the movie flirts with, but never goes the distance with. For example, the overall atmosphere of the picture is so bleak - capturing zombies, killing practice, jerking off to hot zombie chicks in wet t-shirts, plenty of staring into space and the aforementioned indie soundtrack that drips ever-so horrifically with ennui - we feel we're in for the de rigueur bleak ending. It's inevitable, really, and given this certitude, plus all the arty wheel-spinning going on, I wished the filmmaker might have found other instances to match the cool brilliance of the killing practice sessions and the masturbation scene.

I can imagine it now - a tagline that reads: "I pull my schwance to dead people." Where that movie?

The potential for Gardner's picture to have moved even deeper into a chasm of sickness and despair is the very thing that could have put it over the top and would have had audiences so charged they'd be clamouring for more. The movie could well have upped the ante on this front without losing its compellingly slow pace.

The predictable element that really disappoints in all this is the inevitability that one of the two is going to get bitten by a zombie and will need to be dispatched before he "turns". Chances are that it's going to be the soulful young man who survives as he appears to have the surface elements of humanity. Or would that be too obvious and lazy? This is, after all, a movie with ambition, or, to put it another way, a whole lotta pretentiousness goin' on.

The screenplay by director and star Gardner isn't especially egregious - the familiar tale takes a few interesting turns, much of the dialogue has a feeling of authenticity and the occasionally perverse frissons add a bit of cache to the now-cliched tropes of the zero budgeted zombie movie. The real question, though, is - do we really need another one of these things? Frankly, I think not - unless, like first-time filmmakers before them - burgeoning directors like Gardner tear a page from the likes of Maestro Roger Corman, Peter Bogdanovich, David Lynch, George Romero (of course), John Waters, Sam Raimi, Kevin Smith, Darren Aronofsky - the list goes on. All the aforementioned generated debut and/or follow-up features that truly pushed envelopes. The Battery, merely nudges said envelopes. Movies, especially those with no money, need a lot more than mere nudging.

And now, allow me to veer into broken record territory - I've said this before and I'm going to say it again. I'm especially getting sick and bloody tired of no-budget zombie movies (and other no-budget genre pictures) that force us to watch 90 minutes of hairy, smelly guys. Even Lynch's Eraserhead gave us the hot hooker babe living across from Henry, Mary and their deformed baby and, lest we forget, the super-cute Lady in the Radiator with testicle cheeks and a winning smile as she squashed the huge, milky, pus-filled spermatozoa dropping from the ceiling. Have any of these filmmakers ever heard of writing roles to populate with babes?

Women are finally so much more interesting and challenging to write for - especially considering that nobody is much interested in more movies solely about slacker guys. Yes, The Battery delivers the previously mentioned sexy zombie chick in a wet T-shirt pressing her shapely boobies against the car window and I give Gardner mega-salutes for that, but the only living babe we get is over a walkie-talkie and when we finally do meet her, she becomes the very thing we suspect she'll become - not to mention that her presence is ultimately too little, too late.

Gardner clearly has talent, though, and I'm really looking forward to what he can do with either more money and/or if he really lets himself cut loose. He needs a good dose of creative Ex-Lax, because The Battery, for all it has going for it, has way too much material that's bunging him up.

Let 'er rip, dear boy, let 'er rip

The Battery screens Thursday, April 17, 2014 | 7:30pm during the visionary Raven Banner's fantastic Sinister Cinema series which brings a series of independent horror films to 28 theatres across Canada. The films will include unique content, and in some cases, special appearances, including live question and answer sessions with directors, pre-recorded interviews and more. Tickets are available at participating theatre box offices. You can see The Battery in the following venues:

Scotiabank Theatre Chinook - Calgary, AB
Scotiabank Theatre Edmonton - Edmonton, AB
Cineplex Cinemas Saint John - Saint John, NB
Cineplex Cinemas Avalon Mall - St. John's, NL
Cineplex Odeon Victoria Cinemas - Victoria, BC
SilverCity Riverport Cinemas - Richmond, BC
Galaxy Cinemas Nanaimo - Nanaimo, BC
Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas - Vancouver, BC
Colossus Langley Cinemas - Langley, BC
SilverCity Polo Park Cinemas- Winnipeg, MB
SilverCity Sudbury Cinemas- Sudbury, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Regina - Regina, SK
Galaxy Cinemas Saskatoon - Saskatoon, SK
SilverCity Fairview Mall Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Winston Churchill Cinemas - Oakville, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Yonge -Dundas Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Eglinton Town Centre Cinemas - Scarborough, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Queensway and VIP - Etobicoke, ON
Colossus Vaughan Cinemas - Woodbridge, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Mississauga - Mississauga, ON
Coliseum Ottawa Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Gloucester Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Bayers Lake - Halifax, NS
Cineplex Odeon Forum Cinemas - Montreal, QC
Cineplex Odeon Devonshire Mall Cinemas - Windsor, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Waterloo - Waterloo, ON
SilverCity Hamilton Cinemas - Hamilton, ON
SilverCity London Cinemas - London, ON

CHEAP THRILLS - Review By Greg Klymkiw - Raven Banner's Sinister Cinema presents first-rate sicko thriller!

Cheap Thrills (2013) ***1/2
dir. E. L. Katz Script: David Chirchirillo, Trent Haaga
Starring: Pat Healy, David Koechner, Ethan Embry, Sara Paxton,

Review By Greg Klymkiw

You need dough. You need it bad.

If someone were to offer you substantial wads of cold, hard, tax-free cash for your troubles, would you consider any of the following?

- Chop your pinky off, then allow cauterization with an iron?

- Slap a stripper's ass in a club with a no-touching policy?

- Break into a house and take a shit in the living room?

- Kill your friend?

- Eat a pet?

A better question might be, who in the name of Jesus H. Christ would even make such grotesque offers?

The answer is simple - a very generous gentleman (David Koechner, one of the world's greatest living character actors) who merely wishes to give his gorgeous girlfriend (Sara Paxton, the sultry star of The Innkeepers) a birthday celebration she'll never forget. This seems reasonable, mais non? After all, we live in a world sharply divided between the haves and the have-nots. In such a world, anything and everything is possible.

Such is the world of Cheap Thrills, a horrifically funny and terrifying thriller with a great script by David Chirchirillo and Trent Haaga, taut direction from E.L. Katz in his feature debut and a cast to die for.

Craig (Pat Healy, intense, funny indie darling co-star of The Inkeepers) seems to have it all - a beautiful wife, a bouncing chubby baby, a nice place to live, a university education, a joe-job at a nearby service station to pay the bills while he tries to kick-start his career as a writer and a kind of geeky charm that makes you think he'd be a cool guy to know. Whilst leaving home for work one fine morning, he finds an eviction notice on the front door. He's in arrears for the amount of 4500 smacks and has 7 days to rectify matters or everyone's going to be booted into the streets. To add insult to injury, he loses his job that day. Times are tough for everyone.

Understandably depressed, he wanders the streets and finds himself in an old neighbourhood where he made a few wrong moves 5-or-so years ago during a not-so-sober phase. He's a recovering alcoholic, you see, and it's probably not the best idea he's ever had to step into a bar he spent far too much time in during those booze-fuelled days. He runs into Vince (Ethan Embry), an old friend he hasn't seen since those seedy days of debauchery. It's a happy reunion, but tinged with a bittersweetness. Craig has moved on with his life, Vince is stuck in the same old rut. Craig admits all is not peaches and cream, while Vince reveals a shade of feeling abandoned by his old pal.

No matter. It's a man's world, and in a man's world, a bud's a bud and you put shit behind you so it's like nothing ever happened. The notion of "so it's like nothing ever happened" becomes an even stronger thematic element as the film proceeds. And proceed it does - our buds meet up with Colin (Koechner), a hip, friendly, funny and boisterous mans man adorned in a cool pork pie hat who asks the guys to be a part of the birthday celebrations for his sultry girlfriend Violet (Paxton).

Soon, he's asking the lads to engage in all manner of naughty and/or downright dangerous shenanigans for wads of dough that he keeps flashing and tossing at them after they've done his bidding. Violet uses her smart phone to capture the tender moments forever (offering politely to email the snaps to the lads if they desire copies). As the intensity of the requests increases, our lads are convinced to hang in for the duration as Colin reminds them that no matter where any of them are in their lives, they will never forget the events of this evening.

The truth of this sinks in, not just for our old pals, but for us too. This is a fantasy worth sticking with and we're almost convinced, as we live vicariously through the lives of our onscreen characters, that we might almost want to experience something like this is real life. Watching people do increasingly nasty stuff for money is fun, but the thought of possibly engaging in such activities ourselves is not only tempting, but makes for an especially thrilling ride.

In many ways, the movie is the ultimate adult fantasy. "Hey, fuck my gorgeous wife in front of me while I jerk off and I'll pay all your back rent." You pretend to go all tut-tut-tut and say this is beyond the pale. Fuck you. I'm going to pull out the Klymkiw Family Motto that goes back to the Old Country when Mongols were raping our ancient Ukrainian grannies' twat-in-skis off: "You can't bullshit a bullshitter." Dearest Reader, seriously, don't get all high and mighty on me here. You'd do it, too. It's a good deal, a shitload of fun and yes, something you'll never, ever forget.

Of course, this is what the clever script of Cheap Thrills is up to. It wants you to face the hard truth about yourself. It does it with morbid, laugh-out-loud humour, total conviction, no annoying tongue-in-cheekness and best of all, no bullshit moralizing. By rendering this all with a straight face, but with the spirit of good, old fashioned American chutzpah instead, say, that of Michael Haneke (or recent Cronenberg) preciousness, ephemeral mindless studio-styled roller coaster rides with no subtext or worse, Canadian indie twee-ness mixed with Toronto Presbyterianism. This team of filmmakers and actors hand us our innards on a silver platter and we scarf the fuckers down with relish and abandon.

This is blistering movie-making at its finest. If I'm gypping the movie out of half a star (yeah - using "gyp" is pejorative, I'm not fucking stupid), it's only because I kind of saw the genuinely shocking (as if the movie wasn't shocking enough) denouement coming from a few miles away. I'll chalk that up to being a sick-fuck and/or just seeing way too many movies, reading too many fucking books and just being a smart-ass son of a bitch.

In the meantime, don't miss this on a big screen (or at least on Blu-Ray) - it's too damn good to simply V.O.D. (Though if you must, it's better than not seeing it at all.)

Raven Banner Entertainment's Sinister Cinema presents CHEAP THRILLS March 27, 2014 at 7:30pm all across Canada. Additional showings in Toronto will be featured at the Yonge-Dundas Cinemas (formerly the AMC) on Mar 27, 28, 29, 30, Apr 1, 3, 2014. Check Toronto listings for confirmed dates and times. The cross-canada showings on March 27 will be at the following venues:

Scotiabank Theatre Chinook - Calgary, AB
Scotiabank Theatre Edmonton - Edmonton, AB
Cineplex Cinemas Saint John - Saint John, NB
Cineplex Cinemas Avalon Mall - St. John's, NL
Cineplex Odeon Victoria Cinemas - Victoria, BC
SilverCity Riverport Cinemas - Richmond, BC
Galaxy Cinemas Nanaimo - Nanaimo, BC
Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas - Vancouver, BC
Colossus Langley Cinemas - Langley, BC
SilverCity Polo Park Cinemas- Winnipeg, MB
SilverCity Sudbury Cinemas- Sudbury, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Regina - Regina, SK
Galaxy Cinemas Saskatoon - Saskatoon, SK
SilverCity Fairview Mall Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Winston Churchill Cinemas - Oakville, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Yonge-Dundas Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Eglinton Town Centre Cinemas - Scarborough, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Queensway and VIP - Etobicoke, ON
Colossus Vaughan Cinemas - Woodbridge, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Mississauga - Mississauga, ON
Coliseum Ottawa Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Gloucester Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Bayers Lake - Halifax, NS
Cineplex Odeon Forum Cinemas - Montreal, QC
Cineplex Odeon Devonshire Mall Cinemas - Windsor, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Waterloo - Waterloo, ON
SilverCity Hamilton Cinemas - Hamilton, ON
SilverCity London Cinemas - London, ON

CHEAP THRILLS is distributed through Pacific Northwest Pictures, currently playing in select Canadian cities and will be released theatrically in the US via Drafthouse Films.

For further info on Raven Banner and Sinister Cinema, Click HERE.

IN FEAR - Review By Greg Klymkiw - Anchor Bay Entertainment Canada releases Blu-Ray day-and-date with Raven Banner's Sinister Cinema unveils tense thriller from Ireland that'll have you on the edge of your seat.

Anchor Bay Entertainment Canada has released a first-rate Blu-Ray transfer of the Sundance Festival Midnight hit In Fear, a scary and exceptionally well-photographed thriller. Colour and clarity during daytime sequences is stunning, but it's the dusk, deep night and dawn footage of the tense shocker that really take, front seat (pun intended since a good 60% or so of the action takes place in a moving car after the sun goes down). The movie and fine transfer are the main thing here. The only extra is a brief 12 minute behind the scenes featurette which provides some extremely interesting background material about director Jeremy Lovering's unique approach in making the film, BUT DO NOT WATCH IT BEFORE YOU SEE THE MOVIE.

Alice Englert - Jane Campion's Daughter
SPLATTERED IN BLOOD!

In Fear (2013) ***
Dir. Jeremy Lovering
Starring: Alice Englert, Iain De Caestecker, Allen Leech

Review By Greg Klymkiw

Being trapped deep in the Irish countryside - well, nowhere, really - there's probably nothing more fill-a-load-in-your-drawers scary than being lost in a strange rural maze as the sun is going down and that maybe, just maybe, you've inspired the wrath of some half-ton-driving drunken louts encountered earlier at a pub.

The future of indie cinema is HORROR

Such is the dilemma facing Lucy (Alice Englert) and Tom (Iain De Caestecker) as they drive to a musical festival. They're not quite a couple yet, but there's definitely a spark between them - so much so that when Tom suggests they veer off the road to a quaint, old hideaway hotel he's found on the internet for a night of romance before continuing on - Lucy agrees. Though she's feeling like things are moving a trifle too fast, they clearly have a solid rapport. Little does she know, however, that they'll be needing to move a whole lot faster than a mere "trifle" and it's going to have nothing to do with romance.

It turns out the hotel is located on a huge tract of gated land and includes a fairly long drive into deep, ominous woods. Alack and alas, their cel phone and GPS coverage cuts out which is not going to bode well as they plunge into a strangely circuitous series of roads with confusing signs and worse, the overwhelming sense that someone or something is out there. Strange sightings occur - mostly of the red-herring variety, but the couple's fear still hits them in exponential zaps.

Gas is getting low and Lucy not only suspects it might be the inbred young lads they've had some sort of altercation with in the nearby pub prior to beginning their journey, but that Tom had some words with them privately which really pissed them off. When she demands he come clean, whatever romantic spark once existed, pretty much fizzles. As the sun goes down, fear and tension builds as they get more and more lost. There's still no sign of a hotel and no matter which way they go, they wind up at the same strange old shack with an ominous "get the fuck away from here" No Trespassing sign.

And then they see someone. This is no red-herring.

Narratively, neither our main characters, nor we, the viewers, really know what's out there. Maybe it's the louts from the pub, but MAYBE it's something far more threatening. Maybe it's simply the fear of being caught in a maze of deep woods or maybe it's the fear turning to paranoia about the couple's respective motives and loyalties to and/or for each other.

Maybe, it's just the dark.

For the first half of the film, we're dazzled by Lovering's superb direction, the natural qualities of his actors and the highly skillful mise-en-scene which keeps a good deal of the action in the car. The film is also nimbly shot and cut and there are any number of moments that might require the audience's use of "Depends". The aforementioned unique approach to shooting the film contributes not only to the extreme levels of terror, but is also a testament to the brilliant performances of Englert (so wonderful in Ginger and Rosa) and De Caestecker. I will not spoil this for you. Try to avoid reading anything about the movie, OTHER than this piece before you see it. I've noticed far too many scribes belching out this info. And I reiterate - don't watch the Behind the Scenes extra until AFTER you see the movie.

For a good chunk of In Fear's running time, the antagonist is fear itself. This works beautifully and points to something that has all the makings of a minor genre classic. Though the narrative takes a clumsy turn in the last half, it doesn't completely detract from the movie's wham-bam qualities. In fact, some of it works quite well within the tropes of the genre. There are a few visceral scares, a good amount of jolting violence and one brilliantly, terrifyingly rendered set-piece involving a knife placed to the back of one of the heads of our protagonists as the vehicle careens wildly through the pitch black night on the mud roads during a torrential rain. (There's also a great performance from Allen Leech, whose high-pitched laughs rival those of the tricycle-riding lout in Sam Peckinpah's Straw Dogs.)

In Fear delightfully force-feeds us several table-spoon-sized dollops of scares, but it doesn't change the fact that the movie does slightly cheat us out of a direction that might have truly satisfied. The final third of the picture feels vaguely for nought. The literal evil, it turns out, seems quite banal and a real letdown. The big surprise reveal is not all that surprising and most egregiously, the film peters out into some kind of existential nonsense that makes little in the way of story comprehension and is certainly a head-scratcher in terms of the film's thematic elements.

In spite of this disappointment, the movie does bode well for future output from its clearly talented director and most importantly, it will still bristle the scare-nerves in thine sphincter.

Given that it's a thriller, one cannot argue with that.

In Fear is an Anchor Bay Entertainment Canada release. You can buy it (and other great Anchor Bay titles) here by clicking directly on the links below, and in so doing, contribute to the ongoing maintenance of The Film Corner.

In Fear is presented for one special night only as part of Raven Banner's superb cross-Canada monthly Sinister Cinema series of macabre offerings from all over the world.

In Fear takes place Thursday, March 13 at 7:30pm in 28 theatres.

The venues are as follows:

Scotiabank Theatre Chinook - Calgary, AB
Scotiabank Theatre Edmonton - Edmonton, AB
Cineplex Cinemas Saint John - Saint John, NB
Cineplex Cinemas Avalon Mall - St. John's, NL
Cineplex Odeon Victoria Cinemas - Victoria, BC
SilverCity Riverport Cinemas - Richmond, BC
Galaxy Cinemas Nanaimo - Nanaimo, BC
Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas - Vancouver, BC
Colossus Langley Cinemas - Langley, BC
SilverCity Polo Park Cinemas- Winnipeg, MB
SilverCity Sudbury Cinemas- Sudbury, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Regina - Regina, SK
Galaxy Cinemas Saskatoon - Saskatoon, SK
SilverCity Fairview Mall Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Winston Churchill Cinemas - Oakville, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Yonge -Dundas Cinemas - Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Eglinton Town Centre Cinemas - Scarborough, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Queensway and VIP - Etobicoke, ON
Colossus Vaughan Cinemas - Woodbridge, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Mississauga - Mississauga, ON
Coliseum Ottawa Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Gloucester Cinemas - Ottawa, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Bayers Lake - Halifax, NS
Cineplex Odeon Forum Cinemas - Montreal, QC
Cineplex Odeon Devonshire Mall Cinemas - Windsor, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Waterloo - Waterloo, ON
SilverCity Hamilton Cinemas - Hamilton, ON
SilverCity London Cinemas - London, ON

Additional screenings for In Fear
have been added to Cineplex Cinemas Yonge-Dundas:
March 14, 15, 17, 18 and 19.

Check Toronto local listing for confirmed dates and times.

THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF ROSALIND LEIGH - Review By Greg Klymkiw - Raven Banner's delectable "Sinister Cinema" series returns to Cineplex Entertainment's Front Row Centre Events All Across Canada with "Rue Morgue" founder and publisher Rodrigo Gudiño's feature debut

The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh (2012) ***
Dir. Rodrigo Gudiño
Starring: Aaron Poole, Vanessa Redgrave, Julian Richings

Review By Greg Klymkiw

A voice from the dead - at times determined, at others tremulous - cascades through the large, dark and cluttered house as if it were a living, breathing, moving thing. It is as much a will and testament as it is a warning - infused with portent - rendered for the benefit of one who's been gone for too long, but has now appeared to both claim and dispense with a lifetime of worldly goods.

You, Sir, will spend the night.

Alone.

This is perhaps not the wisest move when, in life, you broke away from your mother for the longest time and have returned, after her death, to profit from an antique-filled treasure trove. You're riddled with memories of a difficult childhood past, a strained relationship, a fundamentalist - nay, downright fanatical upbringing. As much as you want to rid yourself of all the things that bring back flashes of a pain long-repressed, your mere presence in this, your recently deceased mother's house, infuses you with second thoughts, upon second thoughts.

You will slowly seek truth, but if the truth finds you first, it could kill you.

And, dear sir, there appears to be a creature you don't want to mess with.

Suffice it to say that Rue Morgue Magazine's founder/publisher Rodrigo Gudiño has crafted an unexpectedly restrained genre picture for his feature length debut as a director. Restraint in horror can be a very good thing and The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh is nothing if not restrained. Fans used to a preponderance of gore, lightning bolt pacing and an emphasis upon cheap shock tactics will be less than enthralled, but if patient, many of the film's rewards will creep up on them and bite them most indelicately on the ass.

That said and in spite of the picture's considerable virtues, it would only be fair to point out that the film is saddled with a few elements that don't quite gel. In terms of narrative and pace, the film takes a profound dip in its middle portion. We're treated to a slow, measured and riveting first act and a final act that delivers very nicely in the drawer-filling department. Part of the problem stems, I think, in Gudiño's screenplay. Not adequately tying the central character Leon (Aaron Poole) to his late Mother's mania (or at least rooting it more firmly within the mise-en-scene) is something the film has a hard time shaking. This is one of the causes for the movie to sag in its second act.

Another problem is the house itself. An exterior shot reveals a standard and seemingly (or at least relatively) modern suburban home. Once inside, the decor of the structure itself shrieks modern or at least, modern reno. As well, many of the set decorations and props feel out of place - either in and of themselves or within the context of the interior's physical structure and look. Given the character of Rosalind Leigh herself, the "antique pieces" are not (at least for this fella') reflective enough of who we think she is. When Leon steps into that house, we expect, but do not experience the kind of bygone atmosphere necessary for us to check our thought process at the door because the stately and (often) effective pace give us too much time to notice when touches like these are amiss. Where this hurts the film most is that it loses a lot of the "creepy" factor in the middle act that both the pace and narrative are begging for.

A major speed bump that keeps the movie from attaining stratospheric heights might seem unfair to level at Gudiño, since the picture is what it is at this point, but here goes. Maybe it's just me (I don't think so, though), but even genre-bending efforts like this gain a whole lot more mileage when you have the presence of a female lead. A young, hot, preferably nightie-and/or-undie-adorned babe is what I'm talkin' about here. Think Catherine Deneuve in Polanski's Repulsion, the final half hour of Ridley Scott's Alien and a goodly portion of one of my all-time low budget faves, Richard Stanley's Hardware.

Just do the math:

Hot babe + monster/ghost/robot/weird-shit = Unbeatable Combination.

Not that Gudiño's lead Aaron Poole doesn't acquit himself nicely - it's a finely textured performance, but changing the character to a woman and having a babe in the role would have worked wonders. Even when Polanski re-imagined Repulsion as The Tenant and cast himself in the perverse twist on Deneuve's loner in the apartment role, he made damn sure to find numerous opportunities to slide the ravishing Isabel Adjani into the picture (in addition to putting himself in drag).

More math: Polanski in Drag + Hot French babe = DynOmite!!!

Not meaning to be a Philistine here, but I do think something changes when you have a woman in peril - not in a stereotypical, misogynist sense - but to actually address a myriad of issues within the framework of cinematic storytelling that ultimately allow for more compelling viewing. Then again, I always recall the hilarious story of a genuinely famous Canadian producer who once cautioned a young filmmaker about to embark upon his first feature with a litany of Old Country advice. It culminated with: "Goddamn son of bitch, you want to show man too much! Is not to my taste. Is to be truthful, very distasteful to have too much man. But I tell you something for sure, everybody like to see the woman. The man, he like to see the woman. And the woman, she like to see the woman too."

Sage words from a wise member of the Eastern European diaspora.

Aside from my aforementioned niggles, this is a worthwhile effort that signals a directorial talent we'll want to hear more from. In fact, Gudiño's displayed enough filmmaking savvy and chutzpah here to make you grateful you got in on his ground floor, so to speak. On the level of fashioning an ideal low budget movie, the screenplay cleverly approaches a few supporting roles that not only work perfectly within the context of the narrative, but allowed the filmmaking team to affordably cast and get a super performance from Vanessa Redgrave (not to mention fine work from the inimitable Julian Richings and Steven Eric McIntyre among others).

My dissatisfaction with the look of the house and its interiors notwithstanding, I was delighted with cinematographer Samy Inayeh's work. His compositions are first-rate, his moves infused with grace and his lighting is both delectably and suitably moody. Frankly, I think there's a lot of latitude in his footage to go back into the colour timing suite and darken the picture substantially to deal with the less than stellar interior design. Inayeh has done his bit to make the house's interiors look like Miss Haversham's home in David Lean's Great Expectations or the mysterious house the old crone in Val Lewton's Curse of the Cat People lives in, but he's only able to go so far and I'm really convinced one could safely heighten contrast whilst maintaining detail in a John Alton noir style. (By the way, every filmmaker, D.O.P. and production designer needs to read Alton's great book "Painting with Light".)

In any event, get thee hence to a Cineplex Entertainment complex near you and see this sucker on a big screen. It has the potential to look great in all manner of ancillary delivery formats, but it's going to be way more fun seeing it theatrically.

Full info on the Sinister Cinema series from Raven Banner below:

Raven Banner Launches Exciting

Genre Film Series Across Canada

by Greg Klymkiw

Raven Banner, the exciting genre-friendly company that specializes in strategic project management of innovative independent motion pictures is launching an extremely exciting series for genre fans in Canada. Sinister Cinema is a brand new monthly showcase of what promises to be some very cool horror movies. In addition to the movies, there will be a grand sense of showmanship allowing for added value goodies (consider it DVD/Blu-Ray extras - LIVE at Big-Screen venues). Personal appearances, Live Q & A's and exclusive pre-recorded intros plus interviews are just some of the planned delights to enhance the movie-going experience. The movies will screen at 25 Cineplex Entertainment screens across Canada.

The venues are:

Lotus Land
Odeon Victoria Cinemas – Victoria, BC
Galaxy Cinemas Nanaimo – Nanaimo, BC
Colossus Langley Cinemas – Langley, BC
Silvercity Riverport Cinemas – Richmond, BC
Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas – Vancouver, BC
(NOTE: Dope Smoking not allowed in cinemas, so toke-up before you enter the premises and/or discreetly utilize the handicapped crappers. Do not forget to disarm smoke detectors and sprinklers.)

Stevie Harper KKK Headquarters
Scotiabank Theatre Edmonton – Edmonton, AB
Scotiabank Theatre Chinook – Calgary, AB
(NOTE: Cross Burnings not allowed indoors. Moonshine not for sale in cinemas, but can be smuggled in.)

Armpit of Canada
Galaxy Cinemas Regina – Regina, SK
Galaxy Cinemas Saskatoon – Saskatoon, SK
(NOTE: You must leave your livestock tethered to the front of the cinemas. Feel free to smuggle in your own smoked hog ears for good eatin' during the show.)

Second Biggest Armpit of Canada
SilverCity Polo Park Cinemas – Winnipeg, MB
(NOTE: The rest of the province is mosquito-ridden swamp land populated by inbreds who do not watch movies or do much of anything besides fight and fornicate in the winter and fish with dynamite charges and big nets in the summer - beer included.)

Centre of the Known Universe (and surrounding environs)
Cineplex Odeon Devonshire Mall Cinemas – Windsor, ON
SilverCity London Cinemas – London, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Waterloo – Waterloo, ON
Cineplex Odeon Winston Churchill Cinemas – Oakville, ON
SilverCity Hamilton Cinemas – Hamilton, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Mississauga – Mississauga, ON
Cineplex Odeon Queensway Cinemas – Toronto, ON
Colossus Vaughan Cinemas – Vaughan, ON
SilverCity Fairview Mall Cinemas – Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Yonge & Dundas Square Cinemas – Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Eglinton Town Centre Cinemas – Scarborough, ON
Coliseum Ottawa Cinemas – Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Gloucester Cinemas – Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Sudbury Cinemas – Sudbury, ON
(NOTE: Torontonians proclaim that Toronto is the Centre of the Known Universe. Most of us know better - especially all the venues OUTSIDE the GTA)

La Belle Province
Cineplex Odeon Forum Cinemas – Montreal, QC
(NOTE: French people do not like horror movies as they are all Catholic. The few who do are politely asked to leave their separatist literature at home and refrain from screaming "Je me souviens!" every ten fucking minutes.)

And now, the movies:

May 9, 2013: Rue Morgue founder and publisher Rodrigo Gudiño's feature debut The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh

May 30, 2013: The Best Fucking Horror Movie of 2012, American Mary

June 19, 2013: Sicko Ryuhei (The Midnight Meat Train) Kitamura's No One Lives

BUY TICKETS HERE

JOHN DIES AT THE END - Review By Greg Klymkiw - Don Coscarelli delivers a terrifying and funny foray into a fantastical world replete with gore, gags and HORROR GALORE

JOHN DIES AT THE END is the brilliant new film by Master Genre Director Don Coscarelli. Be on the lookout for my in-depth interview with Mr. Coscarelli that will appear in the May-June 2013 issue of the legendary Joe Kane's ultra-cool genre print magazine "Phantom of the Movies VIDEOSCOPE". Until then, here's my RAVE REVIEW of a new Horror Classic from the director of the PHANTASM films and the magnificent BUBBA-HO-TEP!!!

John Dies at the End (2012) ****

dir. Don Coscarelli

Starring: Chase Williamson, Rob Mayes, Paul Giamatti, Glynn Turman, Clancy Brown

Review By Greg Klymkiw

Don Coscarelli is, without question, the real thing - a truly inspired Master of Horror. (He might also be certifiably insane, but what do I know? I'm no shrink.) As the director of cult classics like the Phantasm pictures (with Angus Scrimm as the diabolical wielder of blood suckin' and a spurtin' silver spheres) and the finest entry in that unbeatable genre of Elvis-duelling-with-dangerous-denizens-of-Ancient-Egypt Bubba-Ho-Tep, his latest offering is one mo-fo of an eye-popping mind-bender.

John Dies at the End gives new meaning to the oft-heard phrase in only the finest grease-laden, alley-cat-for-chicken-serving Oriental restaurants in the Occident - "Can you please pass the Soya Sauce?"

If you buy me a MEAT MONSTER today,
I will gladly pay you back on Tuesday.

Oh, and what a delectable platter of Szechuan Steak Coscarelli's new movie is - like mouth watering morsels of fine flank (of cow, NOT dog), marinated in the saltiest Eastern Black Gold and wokked within an inch of its life in an indelible mixture of oil, garlic, ginger, scallions and, of course, the distinctive pepper from the dried rind of the prickly ash tree. The picture serves up gore, shocks and suspense accompanied by healthy dollops of black humour and psychedelic surrealism that ranks right up there with a Dim Sum rice roll chock full of Luis Buñuel, Alejandro Jodorowsky and James Whale.

I NEED SOYA SAUCE - NOW!

Damn! Before I get too hungry, allow me to dive directly in to what you're going to see in this contemporary genre classic. In a nutshell, two best buds, David (Chase Williamson) and John (Rob Mayes), are mega-slackers - not unlike Bill and Ted, only they're not stupid and they go on an adventure that is in no way, shape or form an EXCELLENT ADVENTURE (though we, the viewers, are afforded a most excellent adventure, indeed).

And how, pray tell do they find themselves on this harrowing journey up the river into a veritable heart of darkness? Simple. They've gone and ingested a completely mind-pummelling hallucinogen called - you guessed it (or not) - SOYA SAUCE.

Now, if you will, put on your mathematician's hat and add together every bad acid trip you've ever taken, multiplied by every single bad acid trip anyone's ever taken and our heroes are plunged with Hoover Dam ferocity into a world of scary shit where reality morphs with fantasy until the world of the trip becomes horrifyingly real to the extent where everything they think is real springs to life as a nightmare that never ends and keeps turning in on itself repeatedly and with more convolutions than the too-sickeningly-horrendous results of, say, Terence Malick on crack cocaine.

THE BIBLE BELTER

The hallucinogen itself is, you see, not some mere chemical. Soya Sauce is a living thing - a slithering, slurping glob of putrid viscous discharge that rips your sense of reality into a finely blended wad of chopped liver and KFC creamy coleslaw.

This stuff fucks you up big time. It scares the living faecal matter out of you, but worse, it - and most of all - what IT creates is alive. It's so alive, you can die at any time and frankly, you might actually be dead already - careening wildly from one horrendous scenario to another in a purgatory of horror with no end.

PAUL GIAMATTI CRAVES SOYA SAUCE

Add to this witch's brew the likes of Paul Giamatti as a sleazy reporter trying to get both the truth AND the Sauce, the brilliant Clancy Brown as an Amazing Kreskin-like Mentalist crossed with Tony Robbins and, like Hugh Hefner, always flanked (as it were) by a bevy of bodacious babes and last, but not least, one of the great living contemporary character actors Glynn Turman as a cop who meets way more than he bargained for when he's forced into dealing with a scourge that exceeds every slime-bucket he's ever had to deal with in leaps and bounds.

BABES TO THE EAST, BABES TO THE WEST, HE BE STROKIN'

Coscarelli handles these proceedings with imagination, skill and one hell of a great sense of humour - NEVER tongue in cheek, but always rooted in the absurdist elements of the drama itself. Revealing anymore, however, will do you absolutely no favours. And as for the title, there's a damn compelling reason for you to keep watching. If John dies at the end, how, OH HOW will he finally bite the bullet within the context of this complete whack-job of an utterly inspired fright-fest.

"John Dies at the End" is playing across Canada for one night only as part of Raven Banner's visionary foray into the Cineplex Entertainment Front Row Centre events.

BUY TICKETS HERE

Here's a complete list of participating cinemas:

Lotus Land
Odeon Victoria Cinemas – Victoria, BC
Galaxy Cinemas Nanaimo – Nanaimo, BC
Colossus Langley Cinemas – Langley, BC
Silvercity Riverport Cinemas – Richmond, BC
Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas – Vancouver, BC
(NOTE: Dope Smoking not allowed in cinemas, so toke-up before you enter the premises and/or discreetly utilize the handicapped crappers. Do not forget to disarm smoke detectors and sprinklers.)

Stevie Harper KKK Headquarters
Scotiabank Theatre Edmonton – Edmonton, AB
Scotiabank Theatre Chinook – Calgary, AB
(NOTE: Cross Burnings not allowed indoors. Moonshine not for sale in cinemas, but can be smuggled in.)

Armpit of Canada
Galaxy Cinemas Regina – Regina, SK
Galaxy Cinemas Saskatoon – Saskatoon, SK
(NOTE: You must leave your livestock tethered to the front of the cinemas. Feel free to smuggle in your own smoked hog ears for good eatin' during the show.)

Second Biggest Armpit of Canada
SilverCity Polo Park Cinemas – Winnipeg, MB
(NOTE: The rest of the province is mosquito-ridden swamp land populated by inbreds who do not watch movies or do much of anything besides fight and fornicate in the winter and fish with dynamite charges and big nets in the summer - beer included.)

Centre of the Known Universe (and surrounding environs)
Cineplex Odeon Devonshire Mall Cinemas – Windsor, ON
SilverCity London Cinemas – London, ON
Galaxy Cinemas Waterloo – Waterloo, ON
Cineplex Odeon Winston Churchill Cinemas – Oakville, ON
SilverCity Hamilton Cinemas – Hamilton, ON
Cineplex Cinemas Mississauga – Mississauga, ON
Cineplex Odeon Queensway Cinemas – Toronto, ON
Colossus Vaughan Cinemas – Vaughan, ON
SilverCity Fairview Mall Cinemas – Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Yonge & Dundas Square Cinemas – Toronto, ON
Cineplex Odeon Eglinton Town Centre Cinemas – Scarborough, ON
Coliseum Ottawa Cinemas – Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Gloucester Cinemas – Ottawa, ON
SilverCity Sudbury Cinemas – Sudbury, ON
(NOTE: Torontonians proclaim that Toronto is the Centre of the Known Universe. Most of us know better - especially all the venues OUTSIDE the GTA)

La Belle Province
Cineplex Odeon Forum Cinemas – Montreal, QC
(NOTE: French people do not like horror movies as they are all Catholic. The few who do are politely asked to leave their separatist literature at home and refrain from screaming "Je me souviens!" every ten fucking minutes.)