2 Movies opening this weekend (10/4/2013) that STINK: GRAVITY and PARKLAND - Reviews By Greg Klymkiw

Hi! My name is Sandy. I enjoy floating in my undies.
Too bad George Clooney is dead. Now he can't see
my hot bod. What's a girl to do? There aren't ANY
poor Black Boys up here to educate & encourage.

GRAVITY (2013) *1/2

Dir. Alfonso Cuarón

Starring:
Sandra Bullock, George Clooney

Review By Greg Klymkiw

NOTE: Seeing "Gravity" in 3-D adds NOTHING to the movie (as per usual). If you must waste your time and money, try to see it flat (2-D) and you'll at least be able to enjoy the visuals without the stupid 3-D glasses that mute the colour and contrast and pretty much everything else - and it will be a lot cheaper without paying surcharges for a sub-par product. HINT: It will be cheaper yet if you sneak in your own beverages and munchies.

Gravity is a two-hander involving George Clooney and Sandra Bullock as AMERICAN space station astronauts who get bombarded by a storm of debris from a nearby satellite that's been nuked by its NON-AMERICAN overlords because it's no longer working properly. As we all know, America NEVER does stupid things like that because AMERICA is NEVER responsible for creating ANY form of interstellar (or Earthly) polluton and once again, it is AMERICANS who are placed at risk by goddamned FOREIGNERS. The result of the incompetence of foreigners is that Bullock gets separated from her tie-cord. Luckily, Clooney rescues her. Unluckily, when he realizes that only one person can properly get into the space station and escape, he sacrifices himself and goes hurtling into space whilst Bullock - on her own - is left kickstart the escape pod get to a Chinese space station which, goddamn it, becomes very challenging because they're babbling in Chinese and Sandy doesn't speak Chinese because she isn't a goddamn foreigner and you'll no doubt be sitting on the edge of your seat screaming: "Jesus Christ! Can't they goddamn well speak American? The girl is in trouble." Goddamn foreigners!. From here, it's all Bullock all the time. Sort of. I won't ruin the pathetic surprise for you.

"Gravity" is in wide release via Warner Bros. Read my full review from the Toronto International Film Festival 2013 HERE.

Parkland (2013) *1/2
Dir. Peter Landesman
Starring: James Badge Dale, Zac Efron, Marcia Gay Harden, Paul Giamatti,
Billy Bob Thornton, Jacki Weaver, Jackie Earle Haley

Review By Greg Klymkiw

Nobody believes the findings of the Warren Commission - we all know President John F. Kennedy was murdered by forces much larger than the lone patsy Lee Harvey Oswald. Parkland, the title signifying the name of the hospital in Dallas where both JFK and Oswald were unsuccessfully operated upon, is a lame, unnecessary exploration of that tragic day 5o years ago when our world changed forever. Shot in urgent annoying shaky-cam, blended with real news footage of the time, the film details the preparations leading up to Kennedy's visit to Dallas, his assassination, all the chaos of getting him to the hospital, the desperate unsuccessful attempts to keep him alive, the various law enforcement gymnastics with respect to the FBI, CIA, Dallas Police and the Secret Service, the assessment of the Zapruder 8mm home movie footage, the capture of Oswald, the subsequent shooting of Oswald, the unsuccessful attempt to keep him alive in the hospital and finally, juxtaposing the opulent state funeral of the slain president with the threadbare proceedings afforded to the purported assassin. Screenwriter-Director Landesman chooses to accept the Warren findings and re-enacts the hodgepodge of all the above with an all-star cast parading through and having no time to create anything resembling characters. The film's reliance on trick-pony all-star cameos reminded me of George Stevens all-star Jesus biopic The Greatest Story Ever Told - so much so I half expected John Wayne to wander into the Parkland Memorial Hospital in full Roman Centurion garb and stand over JFK's corpse and intone: "Truly this Man was the son of God," before realizing he'd stepped onto the wrong sound stage via some kind of Time Machine or wormhole.

"Parkland" is in theatrical release via Remstar - just in time to "celebrate" JFK's murder.

Read my full review from the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF 2013) HERE.

GRAVITY - Review By Greg Klymkiw - #TIFF 2013 - Sandy Bullock in her astronaut undies is not without merit.

TIFF 2013 - Special Presentation
GRAVITY (2013) *1/2
Dir. Alfonso Cuarón
Starring:
Sandra Bullock,
George Clooney

Review By Greg Klymkiw

In addition to his electrifying first feature Y Tu Mamá También and the overwrought, but powerful dystopian science fiction thriller Children of Men, Alfonso Cuarón has the distinction of making the ONLY good Harry Potter film. The dull and dreadfully directed film franchise based upon the miserable J.K. Rowling kid-lit has always been helmed by the most style-bereft hacks, but Cuarón brought such magic and a genuinely personal voice to Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban that I continue to scratch my head over the number of losers who keep being enlisted to camera jockey most of these blockbuster franchises when clearly, hiring a REAL filmmaker adds so much value to the proceedings.

Cuarón will hopefully get a chance to make films nearer and dearer to his heart, but his studio output has, at least, been blessed with his distinctive touch - bringing genuine aesthetic chops of the highest order to create work that is not JUST hit material in an ephemeral sense, but blessed with considerable shelf life.

Gravity is far from being the best outer space thriller - I'll always have a special place in my heart for John Sturges's Marooned - but it's way above Ron (I'm a dull camera jockey) Howard's Apollo 13. Ultimately though, Gravity is really not much good and would be much worse without Cuarón's visual flourishes.

It's basically a two-hander involving George Clooney and Sandra Bullock as AMERICAN space station astronauts who get bombarded by a storm of debris from a nearby satellite that's been nuked by its NON-AMERICAN overlords because it's no longer working properly. As we all know, America NEVER does stupid things like that because AMERICA is NEVER responsible for creating any form of interstellar (or Earthly) polluton and once again, it is AMERICANS who are placed at risk by goddamned FOREIGNERS.

The result of the incompetence of foreigners is that Bullock gets separated from her tie-cord. Luckily, Clooney rescues her. Unluckily, when he realizes that only one person can properly get into the space station and escape, he sacrifices himself and goes hurtling into space whilst Bullock - on her own - tries to kick start the escape pod.

From here, it's all Bullock all the time.

Sort of.

She's trying desperately to get to a Chinese space station and, goddamn it, they're babbling on the radio in Chinese. Jesus Christ! Can't they speak American? The girl is in trouble.

Goddamn foreigners!

The screenplay, such as it is, doesn't work too hard at providing ideal "characters" for our stars to inhabit. Clooney is handsome, charming and funny and Bullock is reserved and committed to her work. Bullock, you see, is nursing the hurt she feels over the death of her only child. This is supposed to make us feel for her. Poor Sandy - her daughter died. Poor Sandy - she meets a guy she could fall for and he jettisons himself into deep space. Somehow, she needs an extra shot of confidence to defy all odds and get home safely. Will she do it? Will some surprise event occur to make everything right again?

There isn't a single moment that we don't know what the outcome will be. I saw the BIG SURPRISE coming a few light years away and in fact, I pretty much knew what every major story beat was going to be after about 20 minutes. All that was left to enjoy were some dazzling visuals, a lot of annoying dialogue - some of it bordering on sickening - and some nice shots of Bullock floating around in her skin-tight astronaut undies. The latter is probably, for some, worth the price of admission. I, for one, will not take away that pleasure from anyone.

Knock yourself out.

Postscript: Seeing it in 3-D adds NOTHING (as per usual). Try to see it flat and you'll at least be able to enjoy the visual flourishes without the stupid 3-D glasses that mute all the beauty of the colour.

"Gravity" is a Special Presentation at the Toronto International Film Festival 2013 (TIFF #13). Get your tickets HERE.