|Always time to shower in Asylums|
What's not to like?
The Ward (2010) ***
dir. John Carpenter
Starring: Amber Heard, Jared Harris, Susanna Burney
and an exquisite supply of HOT BABES I've never heard of.
Review By Greg Klymkiw
Here is a cinematic math equation to demonstrate genre supremacy and achievement of a very high order:
|Babes in asylums need not fear as they will|
be treated for their mental illness with the
humane healing instruments shown above.
|If you are a BABE in a nut-house, please do not be petulant.|
If you are lippy and defiant, you'll be given electro-shock therapy.
+ Amber keeps seeing a weird chick wandering the halls, but is told it’s just her imagination and when she insists and persists, Amber gets MANHANDLED by burly male nurses who zap her with electro-shock therapy and truss her LITHE body into a straightjacket. + In one of the more disgusting moments in horror movie history, one of the BABES in the female nut-case ward is electro-shocked until… well, I won’t ruin it for you, but trust me – it’s pretty fucking GROSS! + The ghost is one super-GNARLY monster: mucho-drippings of the VISCOUS kind. + A CREEPY psychiatrist appears to be engaging in (what else?) unorthodox experiments upon the BABES in the ward. + An ultra-BUTCH ward nurse manages to give Louise Fletcher a run for her money in the NURSE RATCHED Mental Health Caregiver Sweepstakes.
|BABES who commit ARSON|
are advised to do so in sexy undies
+ Tons of cheap scares that make you jump out of your seat and, if you have difficulties with INCONTINENCE, you are advised to bring along an extra pair of DEPENDS. + A thoroughly kick-ass CLIMAX leads up to the delivery of a Carrie-like shocker ending.
AND NOW, THE RESULTS OF THE AFOREMENTIONED MATHEMATICAL EQUATION:
= One FREE BLOWJOB for the Toronto International Film Festival’s Midnight Madness programmer Colin Geddes for selecting the film and especially for getting me into the sold-out midnight screening after I fucked up getting my ticket from the right place at the right time. Said BLOWJOB shall occur once someone carves GLORY HOLES into the public washroom stalls of the new TIFF Bell Lightbox complex where the festival and its year-round Cinematheque are housed. One FREE BLOWJOB and RIM JOB shall be bestowed upon John Carpenter for making this film and a FREE BLOWJOB and RIM JOB shall be bestowed upon the Rasmussen Brothers for writing the terrific screenplay crammed with all the right elements for a roller coaster ride through the snake pit of a mental home. Brothers Michael and Shawn will, of course, have to fight over who gets what in the delectable ORAL action on offer.
And that, genre freaks, is your Mathematical equation for the day. It all adds up. Real good.
To read Greg Klymkiw's review of "DARK FEED", the Rasmussen's directorial debut, click HERE. "The Ward" is available on Blu-Ray and DVD. You can buy it (and "Dark Feed") here: