Old 37
Dir. Alan Smithee
Scr. John Landes, Paul Travers
Starring: Kane Hodder, Bill Moseley, Caitlin Harris, Olivia Alexander, Maxwell Zagorski
Review By Greg Klymkiw
What does it take for the director of a Grade-Z, crowd-founded horror film to assign his credit to the immortal Alan Smithee? Smithee is the fictional nom-de-plume directors are allowed to take, courtesy of the Directors Guild of America, when the finished film has been compromised at a script level, on-set and/or in post production. I'll try to give director Christian Winters the benefit of the doubt and assume his creativity was so compromised that he had no other choice than to dump his real name and insist upon Alan Smithee.
The problem I have, though, is imagining this film would have ever been any good.
The movie focuses upon two sets of characters and how they eventually converge under the most deadly circumstances. Group One finds us face-to-face with Jon Roy and Daryl, two inbred brothers (played respectively by horror star vets Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley) who follow in their Pappy's sicko footsteps by intercepting 911 calls on an isolated stretch of an old highway where teens frequently spinout during drag races and need EMS services. With their Pappy's old ambulance, they visit the accident site, kidnap anyone who is living and take them back to their lair to torture them to death.
Group Two involves two best friend babes. One is the shy Amy (Caitlin Harris) who feels extremely inadequate compared to her vivacious slut bestie Brooke (Olivia Alexander). Amy has the hots for Brooke's muscle-car driving beau Jason (Maxwell Zagorski), but figures she only stands a chance if she gets a boob job.
Carnage on the highway is juxtaposed with this ludicrous story of rival gal pals. Eventually Amy's Mom foots the bill for a new set of massive bolt-ons for her pining daughter. Amy is now set to snag Jason.
The plot, such as it is, thickens.
The babes will soon be making a date with Jon Roy and Daryl, and it won't be pretty.
The film is a mess. From laughably dreadful dialogue, wooden performances and cudgel-like cutting, Old 37 is a massive bore. Its only redeeming qualities are the gore FX and the estimable Hodder and Moseley.
For a film with a running time under ninety minutes, it plods along grindingly and seems like it's much longer than it is (or should be). The film attempts to be a new horror cult classic in the tradition of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the torture porn of Hostel (in the Murrican backwoods, rather than Europe), but it's only going to long forgotten. Movies this lame and derivative seldom have anything resembling lasting value. And it's soooo boring.
As such, I practically needed to jam toothpicks in my ocular orbs to stay awake.
The Film Corner Rating: * One-Star
Old 37 is available on Anchor Bay/Anchor Bay Entertainment Canada DVD.
