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| Hi! My name is Sandy. I enjoy floating in my undies. Too bad George Clooney is dead. Now he can't see my hot bod. What's a girl to do? There aren't ANY poor Black Boys up here to educate & encourage. |
Dir. Alfonso Cuarón
Starring:
Sandra Bullock, George Clooney
Review By Greg Klymkiw
NOTE: Seeing "Gravity" in 3-D adds NOTHING to the movie (as per usual). If you must waste your time and money, try to see it flat (2-D) and you'll at least be able to enjoy the visuals without the stupid 3-D glasses that mute the colour and contrast and pretty much everything else - and it will be a lot cheaper without paying surcharges for a sub-par product. HINT: It will be cheaper yet if you sneak in your own beverages and munchies.
Gravity is a two-hander involving George Clooney and Sandra Bullock as AMERICAN space station astronauts who get bombarded by a storm of debris from a nearby satellite that's been nuked by its NON-AMERICAN overlords because it's no longer working properly. As we all know, America NEVER does stupid things like that because AMERICA is NEVER responsible for creating ANY form of interstellar (or Earthly) polluton and once again, it is AMERICANS who are placed at risk by goddamned FOREIGNERS. The result of the incompetence of foreigners is that Bullock gets separated from her tie-cord. Luckily, Clooney rescues her. Unluckily, when he realizes that only one person can properly get into the space station and escape, he sacrifices himself and goes hurtling into space whilst Bullock - on her own - is left kickstart the escape pod get to a Chinese space station which, goddamn it, becomes very challenging because they're babbling in Chinese and Sandy doesn't speak Chinese because she isn't a goddamn foreigner and you'll no doubt be sitting on the edge of your seat screaming: "Jesus Christ! Can't they goddamn well speak American? The girl is in trouble." Goddamn foreigners!. From here, it's all Bullock all the time. Sort of. I won't ruin the pathetic surprise for you.
"Gravity" is in wide release via Warner Bros. Read my full review from the Toronto International Film Festival 2013 HERE.
Parkland (2013) *1/2
Dir. Peter Landesman
Starring: James Badge Dale, Zac Efron, Marcia Gay Harden, Paul Giamatti,
Billy Bob Thornton, Jacki Weaver, Jackie Earle Haley
Review By Greg Klymkiw
Nobody believes the findings of the Warren Commission - we all know President John F. Kennedy was murdered by forces much larger than the lone patsy Lee Harvey Oswald. Parkland, the title signifying the name of the hospital in Dallas where both JFK and Oswald were unsuccessfully operated upon, is a lame, unnecessary exploration of that tragic day 5o years ago when our world changed forever. Shot in urgent annoying shaky-cam, blended with real news footage of the time, the film details the preparations leading up to Kennedy's visit to Dallas, his assassination, all the chaos of getting him to the hospital, the desperate unsuccessful attempts to keep him alive, the various law enforcement gymnastics with respect to the FBI, CIA, Dallas Police and the Secret Service, the assessment of the Zapruder 8mm home movie footage, the capture of Oswald, the subsequent shooting of Oswald, the unsuccessful attempt to keep him alive in the hospital and finally, juxtaposing the opulent state funeral of the slain president with the threadbare proceedings afforded to the purported assassin. Screenwriter-Director Landesman chooses to accept the Warren findings and re-enacts the hodgepodge of all the above with an all-star cast parading through and having no time to create anything resembling characters. The film's reliance on trick-pony all-star cameos reminded me of George Stevens all-star Jesus biopic The Greatest Story Ever Told - so much so I half expected John Wayne to wander into the Parkland Memorial Hospital in full Roman Centurion garb and stand over JFK's corpse and intone: "Truly this Man was the son of God," before realizing he'd stepped onto the wrong sound stage via some kind of Time Machine or wormhole.
"Parkland" is in theatrical release via Remstar - just in time to "celebrate" JFK's murder.
Read my full review from the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF 2013) HERE.
