Tuesday, 12 August 2014

THE EXPENDABLES 3 - Review By Greg Klymkiw - Finally, a major studio action film that's actually well-directed.

MEL GIBSON - a man among men in The Expendables 3 - MEL RULES!
Amongst the many smelly fellas is MMA Champ
and MAJOR BABE who KICKS ASS - Ronda Rousey
The Expendables 3 (2014) Dir. Patrick Hughes
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Wesley Snipes, Dolph Lundgren, Kelsey Grammer, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell and Robert Davi

Review By Greg Klymkiw

There are no two ways about it. The Expendables 3 is unbelievably moronic, but this will hardly matter to anyone, especially those who love a first-rate action movie, because for once, a major studio picture of this ilk is so superbly directed, that your jaw will continually be dropping at the astounding set pieces. The first five minutes alone is worth the price of a full admission (for those so kick-assedly inclined).

Involving a heavily armed speeding train, a heavily armed helicopter and, lickety-split, a runaway speeding train headed for a maximum security prison, there is not a single shot or cut during this sequence that doesn't milk your gonads dry.

From the opening sequence to the last, there are no sloppy compositions, no stupid herky-jerky camera-operating and no useless quick cuts just for the sake of cutting fast, though the fast cuts employed are done so for good reason - all that remains onscreen are bulky, buff men with guns, knives, machetes, formidable fisticuffs, superior firepower all-round, several astounding rescues, a superb sense of spatial geography during the ludicrous amount of carnage and, need we even mention, lots of shit blowing up really, really good.

For some reason, it took three writers to come up with the plot to this movie. That alone seems unbelievably stupid, but no matter. All three scribes (including star-producer Stallone) have gone to the wall to come up with a suitably flimsy excuse to generate action sequences. If they were dreadfully directed action sequences like you'll find in most blockbusters these days, that'd be one thing, but they're not, so don't blame me if you walk out of the theatre saying, "Fuck, that was stupid!" It's no more or less stupid than anything else you'll see and it's at least made by a real filmmaker who knows how to deliver in a classical fashion blended with some of the contemporary nods to ADHD-afflicted audiences.

Stallone and his expendables (with the addition of Wesley Snipes to the team) are on a mission to nail a scumbag for the CIA. That's original, mais non? They hightail it to Somalia (where else?) and though they appear to decimate the entire population of the country, they're unable to capture their quarry. It turns out that he's the turncoat who formed the expendable team with Stallone and whom everyone thought was dead.

Not only is he not dead, he's Mel-fucking-Gibson!

Given that one of Sly's team is badly wounded and near death and that new CIA-head-honcho Harrison Ford is mightily pissed off, Sly decides this job is personal. He refuses to risk the lives of his dear team members, fires them, and signs up a whole new team. That the team includes the ravishingly gorgeous MMA Champ Ronda Rousey means you have yet another good reason to see the film - this lady is thoroughly scrumptious, kicks ass better than any of the buff senior citizens and she will inspire major boners (or wetness for lassies so inclined) when she's holding and firing any number of hot, glistening rods o' death.

Add an unbelievably obnoxious Antonio Banderas to the mix, one idiotically hilarious one-liner after another, Jet Li doing no martial arts, Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking cigars and madman Mel Gibson chewing up every available piece of scenery as the loathsome villain and you've got a movie for the ages (or at least, Saturday afternoon).

And don't fret, the three screenwriters were smart enough to make sure the original team of expendables are not left out of the eventual carnage. After an insanely delightful skirmish without them in Bulgaria, the whole kit and caboodle go up against an entire army in the middle of some godforsaken country which might be Kyrgyzstan (or some other country with "stan" on the end of it).

It might also be worth mentioning that the three screenwriters came up with a line of dialogue to rival Stallone's famous "Crime's the disease, I'm the Cure" quip from Cobra. At the last minute, Sly finds out he has to capture Mel Gibson alive so he can be taken to face a war crimes tribunal in The Hague.

Stallone's response: "I AM The Hague!"

THE FILM CORNER RATING: ***½ Three-and-a-Half Stars

The Expendables 3 opens August 14, 2014. Fuck the pirated download. See this movie on a big screen. If you love action, it'll be worth the big bucks.