10 WORST MOVIES OF 2014
as selected by
Greg Klymkiw
2014 had its fair share of dreadful movies. A whopping four titles received my lowest rating: THE TURD DISCOVERED BEHIND HARRY'S CHAR BROIL AND DINING LOUNGE. Below you'll get a link to my original review (by clicking on the title of the movie) and a brief italicized quotation from said review.
In alphabetical order, The 10 Worst Movies of 2014:
Andrew Garfield is a woeful Peter Parker. Upchuck at this, web-slingers: An annoying hedgehog tuft of hair upon his oversized gourd-like cranium, a thin, misshapen long face that's seemingly being winched from his jaw to ground level, weasel-like eyes, crooked smirk and shrivelled proboscis with its perpetually upturned tip and an irremovable sneer. I won't even get started on his spindly Ichabod-Crane-like body. Oh, and it's 142 minutes long.
The whole affair is utterly humourless and annoyingly adorned with the kind of preciousness that gets festival programmers, film critics and pseuds of all persuasions, hot and bothered that they're seeing something resembling an art film dabbling in off-the-well-worn-genre-pathworks.
It's been over forty years since The French Connection and a new motion picture has come along to prove that there were indeed law enforcement officials on the French side who did a little something to break the case. Alas, the movie is French and might as well be about eating cheese and drinking wine. At 135 plodding minutes, this is one of the most dull crime pictures made in, well, let's say over forty years.
This is not a movie. It certainly doesn't have the scope of a movie and feels little more than going to the movies to watch television. Yup, the movie stinks, alright, but I will say it sure does have some pretty prairie sunsets.
What's next? "Afternoon of the Planet of the Apes"? "Tea-Time of the Planet of the Apes"? "Night of the Living Dead Planet of the Apes"? About the best that can be said in favour of this dour, serious and irredeemably humourless cash-grab reboot is that it's not as dreadful as its predecessor. Of course, it doesn't hold a candle to the Original Five from the 60s and 70s.
The 1981 Endless Love, a sludge-heap of Everest-sized proportions, must now surely be considered one of the greatest movies ever made compared to this 2014 bowl of Charles Manson's anal drippings. If Zeffirelli created a cinematic equivalent to an aborted foetus served up on a dollar-store paper plate, then it's clear the idiot-sans-savante who purportedly directed this version, must surely have outdistanced the cinematic abortionist styling of Zeffirelli and bloody well ripped a foetus from a womb with a rusty coat hanger, then stomped upon the gelatinous blob with the abandon of a lead performer in a crack-fuelled performance of "Lord of the Dance", then took a huge, rancid crap upon it and finally, with a hearty "Voila!", called it a movie.
This non-entity "comedy" just isn't very funny and spins its wheels most of the time in a sort of schizophrenic manner, never reaching the level of bonafide satire, nor lowering itself to the depths of just plain outrageous humour. Some might suggest I doth pretest too much - that The Interviewis just meant to be a silly, good-natured comedy. Stupid, however, is not silly and assassination is not good-natured. Worst of all, the movie isn't even supremely godawful, it's just crashingly mediocre.
If you fit the demographic of this loathsome, incompetent Harlequin Romance-like "thriller", knock yourself out. Steno-girls, retail clerks, middle-aged empty-nest housewives and 70-year-old ladies deserve movies too.
This revoltingly cerebral science fiction oddity stars the intolerably ubiquitous Scarlett Johansson as an alien Woman Who Fell To Earth or rather, in this case, Scotland. Her mission is to seduce a variety of Glaswegian men, take them back to her squalid digs and tempt them with her puffy white flesh. As Scarlett doffs pieces of clothing, the seemingly endless parade of gents who follow her, their eyes transfixed by Little Miss Bum-Chunks, gradually find themselves sinking feet-first into a murky, purulent, gelatinous goo that swallows them up.
The movie plods mercilessly through one of the most uninteresting murder mysteries ever committed to film and we're forced to tolerate a hit parade of mostly no-name actors who look like they're delivering lines by rote in an overlong failed television pilot. As for direction - what direction? The coverage is so pathetically generated I'd hazard a guess that the director is none other than Mr. Magoo.
So there you have, the Top Ten WORST Movies of 2014. There were plenty of dreadful movies this year, but suffice it to say that the following titles are bad enough to be listed as runners-up. Feel free to mush together the aforementioned with the below-mentioned and you'll have yourself a lovely list of the 27 Worst Films of 2014. In alphabetical order, the also-ran losers are:
ANNIE
BIRDMAN
CAPTAIN AMERICA THE WINTER SOLDIER
THE DROWNSMAN
GODZILLA
GONE GIRL
THE HUNGER GAMES MOCKINGJAY PART I
INTO THE WOODS
THE JUDGE
NOAH
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY THE MARKED ONES
PREDESTINATION
QUEEN OF BLOOD
SON OF GOD
STILL ALICE
THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING
WOLVES
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